The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize