I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Randomize
