even my farts smell like vagina
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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