why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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