Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
