Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
