Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
