In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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