I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
