I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Randomize
