Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Yo dont text me then not text me
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
