i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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