she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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