i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
