I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Someone shit on the floor
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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