I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
