i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
