I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
soo... how was my night?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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