peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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