is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
