i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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