I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
