Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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