I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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