he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
