Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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