I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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