Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
