Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
