yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
