Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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