sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
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Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
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My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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