hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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