I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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