thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
