Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
