He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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