: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
