I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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