ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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