It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
