i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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