my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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