You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
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I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
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I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
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