I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
