he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
