shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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