you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
