If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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