it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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