FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
