I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
