my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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