Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
