I love black thongs
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My bed smells like the plague
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
