Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
