i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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